the october review
a monthly review. movies, books, failure, uni gap year, and the october theory. (i started this on nov 7, so that probably counts for something even if it's almost december.)
"I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers." — Lucy Maud Montgomery, Ann of Green Gables
october, painted in hues of red and orange, is inarguably one of the best months of the year - vibrant leaves fluttering onto fresh rain puddles, the smell of spiced pumpkins wafting through my bedroom window, cherry red nail polish, spooky films, soft autumn jazz- yet this October was filled with a brewing emptiness. the confrontation that sometimes the bad things that happen to me really are my fault. the idea that i am not as perfect as everyone perceives me to be. the fact that i cannot always live up to my own standards.
october forced me into a reality that i cannot bury in the dirt of my backyard.
the october theory
tiktok is understandably constantly brushed off as an anti-intellectual platform. a cave in which teenagers discover everyday concepts and repackage them into new conspiracies or theories. however, the october theory surprisingly resonated with me.
the theory is essentially the idea that every october, a life-changing event will occur in your personal life, and it will force changes in yourself that otherwise wouldn’t come about. this event may seem bad at first, but in the end, it’ll lead to something better.
after first coming across the theory, i turned off my phone and really thought about it. i rummaged through my memories and filed through every october for the past few years and realized that something life-changing did occur, resulting in something better in the future as a direct result.
this year, my october theory event almost sent me into another depression cycle. technically, this past april was supposed to mark my last semester of undergrad. in fact it was my last semester of undergrad, until suddenly, it wasn’t. just a month shy of my graduation. i didn’t fail anything academic related, which might be a first thought. my explanation might be vague, but only because it still haunts me with dread and embarrassment.
i’ve only failed myself. as someone who has never experienced academic rejection (up until this point), i was too overconfident about grad school. i let my anxiety issues get in the way of my academic performance sometimes. i don’t take as much action as i should. i’ve been suffering from burnout since first year. i don’t take care of myself enough. i don’t have enough discipline. i was too arrogant about things always going my way, because i’ve genuinely always believed that things will always work out in my favour.
so my graduation request was cancelled, i very anxiously told my friends and family, and now i’m headed back to do one last semester to ensure i don’t get rejected ever again. all i’ve had in life were my academic achievements. undergrad humbled me over and over and over again, and it’s taking a toll on me. i’ve never been the pretty friend, or the rich friend, or the outgoing friend, or the funny friend, or the parent of the group. i’ve always just been the smart one. but these last few years of undergrad have made me feel inadequate.
who am i if i’m no longer the smart one?
*scroll to the end of the article to read my final reflection.
the non-depressing parts
aside from the october theory madness that plagued the first half of the month, my october was quite alright. i’ve always felt as though october, november, and december were the best months of the year. october for halloween, novemeber for my birthday, and december for christmas. it’s the perfect way to round out the year.
i love halloween. i love the costumes, decorations, cheap candy, the movies, and the overall vibe (yes, i’m using the word vibe) of the month. halloween night was tons of fun. i didn’t end up going to a party this year, but halloween walks have always been superior in my mind. watching the dark clouds curtain over the bright moon, and breathing the frozen night air into my lungs was refreshing. even if i couldn't feel my toes after the first 30 minutes.
i. my top films of the month
dead poets society (1989)
this movie was truly amazing. there’s a certain feeling you get when you watch a film and realize why it’s such an iconic classic. so heartbreaking. so inspiring. makes me wish my uni had a secret society. reminded me of so many amazing english professors and teachers that i had the pleasure of meeting throughout my academic journey.
frankenweenie (2012)
i’ve loved tim burton’s aesthetics since my kindergarten days, so this movie was a must-watch. again, very sad, but also very beautiful. frankenstein is one of my favourite classical monster novels, so it was nice to see the direct parallels in this adaptation.
ii. tv shows
i’ve been trying to force myself to become a tv sort of person. most of my friends prefer tv over movies, and they seem content with their choice. my issue is that i start shows, binge-watch until i’m halfway, and then drop the show only to finish watching months or even years later. when i was younger, i would wait years to watch the series finales of my favourite shows because i’d grown so attached, but i don’t think that’s what’s happening here. i obviously enjoy the shows i watch — otherwise, i wouldn’t watch them — but i think i get bored of having to continuously tune in and pick up where i left off. whereas with movies, i can watch in one sitting and be done with it, with all of the same emotional attachments. here are some shows i’ve started (or continued) but didn’t finish in october:
the vampire diaries
i started watching the vampire diaries purely because my friends constantly talk about it. i also have picked up a vampire obsession this past year, triggered by watching twilight for the first time. i was pleasantly surprised by the show. it’s fun, interesting, frustrating, and a little depressing at times. i have a love-hate relationship with damon (mostly hate), bonnie is my favourite character, and i love stelena.
marry my husband
one of the more frustrating shows on this list. very well acted and the storyline is interesting, but nearly every single character is evil and abhorrent (which is the point - i know). i’m about 10 episodes in, but i’m rooting very hard for the main character.
the great
started it during summer 2023, and i’m still on season 1 but it’s one of my favourite shows of all time. good mix of drama, although the show is rooted in satire. the aesthetics are just amazing through and through. although it diverts very much from historical accuracy, i think it genuinely captures the absurdity of Catherine the Great’s time in Russia.
h2o: just add water
a masterpiece when i was in elementary school, still a masterpiece in university. i don’t care if it’s just because of nostalgia, but i cannot ever get enough of this show. it’s just so entertaining and fun. i’ve always loved mermaids and i love phoebe tonkin, so it’s a win-win.
iii. books
to no surprise, i’m still a few books behind on my goodreads reading challenge. so yes, i only read one book the entire month.
dracula (1818)
perfect choice for october. vampires, wolves, cowboys, diaries. what more could you ask for? will not be elaborating because my friends are tired of me making references to this book. 100% recommend.
iv. music
thick skull - paramore
paper bag - fiona apple
headlock - imogen heap
swan lake, op. 20. act 4: no. 29, finale - pyotr ilyich tchaikovsky
lanterns lit - son lux
grasshopper - agnes obel
werewolf - fiona apple
how i look - glorilla, megan thee stallion
at home - slow pulp
thousand eyes - fka twigs
1234 - feist
v. obsessions/fixations
wanting to be a better friend
movie edits on tiktok (unironically tiktok’s best contribution to society)
dead poets honour
peter parker
drawings of girls with really big eyes (my inspiration)
dark red — the song and the colour
curating Instagram posts but never posting them (because i’m a scaredy-cat)
debating paying for letterboxd patron so i can change movie posters
the idea that i should’ve been a ballerina
vi. vocabulary
sedulous (adj.) | working hard and never giving up
sagacious (adj.) | smart and wise
indelible (adj.) | impossible to erase or forget
my october reflection
in the end, i think i’ve decided to embrace the october theory from now on. october marks the season of change. lush green leaves bloom into bright oranges, before withering away and falling into the earth, making space for new spring leaves.
the october theory is essentially the human version of autumn abscission. my year started off great, and then things started to change very quickly, killing off my immediate plans for the future, my comfortability, my self esteem, and my sense of identity. however, i’m a firm believer that these things happen for a reason. these hardships will lead to something fruitful. something better. something meant for me.
i must embrace my season of change.
thanks for reading. until next time.
~ girl, writer, ghost